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This post is part 2 of why I quit my career only three weeks in, its probably best if you read part 1 first, but if you don’t fancy it then crack on with part 2, it’s a free country after all.
WARNING: Health issues including depression and suicidal thoughts are discussed in this post, it is not graphic in any way but if you are sensitive to these issues then please just be aware they are discussed below.
Why the 9 to 5 was making me sick:
Part 2 of Why I Quit my Career
Just to recap from part 1, there were two main reasons I quit my career only 3 weeks in.
1) That I believe the 9 to 5 concept is insane.
This has already be discussed extensively so have a look at part 1 of why I quit my career if you’re interested.
2) The 9 to 5 was making me sick.
Honestly this is quite difficult for me to write. I have always prided myself on being the clever one. The one who could figure it out and the one who always has an answer. And yet I’m sick and no one knows why or how to make me better.
But I’m not sick sick, I don’t have a terrible disease like cancer. Realistically I can take part in life nearly as much as everyone else, something I truly am grateful for. But in a way this makes accepting that I’m just not well enough to work a career even harder for myself.
I have a number of chronic health conditions. Not so bad individually, but when placed together I just don’t cope with life very well.
- Depression (I have suicidal thoughts but luckily have never acted on them)
- Irritable Bowel Syndrome –IBS-D (basically I have had diarrhea for the past four years and yet am still slightly overweight, crazy eh)
- Chronic headaches (I have a headache most days)
- Chronic fatigue
- Raynaud’s Syndrome (This is where any change towards a cooler temperature turns my fingers and toes freezing cold, white and then grey. This doesn’t really affect my life much but I include it because it’s quite random. And I’m always hoping someone will see the list of conditions and go oh yeah I know exactly why you have those and how to cure it. That hasn’t happened yet but its still worth a shot).
They all get way, way, way worse around stress of any kind including happy stress like excitement. That can be a hard one to explain to people. I got depressed, had diarrhea and a migraine, because I was really looking forward to seeing you, great. They also all get worst around ovulation. Sorry if any of this is a bit TMI for you!
Now bearing the above information in mind, lets get back to why the 9 to 5 was making me sick
If you remember from part 1, we worked out that if you are working a full time job you would end up with around 32.5 hours left per week of you time. Time to relax or for hobbies, for whatever makes you happiest.
Well that’s the thing you see, once I had dealt with all the health issues above I was in minus hours because I just felt so bad. There wasn’t time for me to do the things I loved because I was so exhausted, in pain, sad and anxious.
In fact when I quit my job, I had spent so long in that state of just keeping myself well enough to function. I could no long identify what I enjoyed doing.
My life was purely devoted to making sure I was okay enough to handle a day at work, nothing else. And overtime this was becoming less and less possible. I dreaded seeing friends or doing something nice on the weekend because I just knew I wouldn’t be able to recover well enough for work. I never had enough time to recover enough. Over time I ended up becoming even sicker.
I had worked other full-time jobs before but had normally quit them after a few months for various reasons. Mainly because of my health, although I never admitted that to myself. But this job was different, it was going to be my career, the one where I earn loads of money and become super successful. I was already exhausted and destroyed after three weeks, there was no way I would be able to stick at it for years.
One night when I getting ready for bed, crying because I had work the next day. I had the thought that I could end my life right now and then I would never have to worry about work again.
Whilst I had had suicidal thoughts before, but this one was different. I really wanted to do it this time. All the other times it had felt like a last resort. But this time it seemed like a viable option.
I immediately told my boyfriend. I would urge anyone who has suicidal thoughts to get in the habit of telling someone. It could save your life. I’m lucky that my boyfriend and family is incredibly supportive and I feel I can tell them these things.
All my previous suicidal thoughts had occurred because the depression had got so bad. I had felt like everything was so black that if it did not get better then that would be my last resort to stop the pain. I had truly felt that I was stuck with no control over how to make it better.
This time I was in a situation where I could do something to help myself significantly. I could quit my job.
I spoke for a long time with my boyfriend and parents and we all decided that it would be for the best if I took some time to get back on track and explore other ways of making money and living life. Ways that don’t make you think suicide is a viable option.
Hopefully also ways to heal.
So that’s what I’ve done. I’ve given myself a year to really relax and try and figure out how I want to live my life. I can tell you I’m already feeling a lot less stressed which is improving everything else too, even if the idea of no career is very scary.
I’m hoping this blog can help me to live my life in a way that doesn’t harm me. To make a living when I am feeling well enough and help others who may also feel like this.
What should I do if I am feeling suicidal now?
If any of the above issues I have discussed have affected you in any way. Please don’t hesitate to email me at [email protected] or comment below.
I have written a post on what to do if you are having suicidal feelings. You are welcome to read it.
There are also organisations you can speak to (anonymously if desired) who can support and help you. I have listed a few below:
Mind has an excellent page on on what to do if you are feeling suicidal and further information to help you heal.
You can also call the Samaritans 24 hours per day, 7 days per week on 116 123.
Don’t forget you can call and you should call emergency services if you don’t feel you can keep yourself safe right now. Call 999.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours per day, 7 days per week on 1-800-273-8255. They also have options if you are deaf, hard of hearing or only speak Spanish.
Suicide.org also have an excellent page on what to do if you are feeling suicidal and suicide hotlines for each state in the USA.
Don’t forget you can call and you should call emergency services if you don’t feel you can keep yourself safe right now. Call 911.
Suicide.org have a list of suicide hotlines for each country.
On the International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) website you can also search for assistance and a hotline in your country.
Don’t forget you can call and you should call emergency services if you don’t feel you can keep yourself safe right now.